A lot of us struggle to connect with other adults, partly because what worked when we were kids doesn’t work anymore.
For some, connection felt easier when we were younger because proximity did most of the work. You were around the same people a lot of the time.
Same class. Same lunch table. Same routines.
But childhood didn’t just give us proximity. It gave us multiple types of connection at the same time.
But childhood didn’t just give us proximity. It gave us multiple types of connection at the same time.
Understanding those differences matters if we want to build connection on purpose as adults. Here’s how they work differently:
- Traditional community = You’re placed into it (family, neighborhood you grew up in, school as a child). You show up because you’re part of the group, not because you chose specific people.
- Voluntary community = You choose to join (sports leagues, hobby groups, volunteer organizations). You share a common focus or purpose.
- Friendship = Mutual willingness with another individual for deeper investment.
Research suggests friendship builds through consistent time spent together (though it varies person to person); roughly 50–100 hours to move from acquaintance to casual friend, and 200+ hours to become close friends.
Those estimates come from Jeffrey Hall’s research at the University of Kansas, published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. Diving deeper into the study, Hall found that the type of interaction matters alongside time when it comes to predicting friendship closeness.
He studied two groups — 355 adults who had recently moved and 112 college freshmen — and found that it’s not just the amount of time that matters, but how that time is spent. Shared activities and meaningful conversation predicted increases in closeness. Small talk did not predict increases in closeness and, in some cases, was negatively associated with closeness over time, and time spent working alongside someone mattered far less than time spent intentionally socializing.
When you’re a kid, those conditions happen by default.
You spend long stretches of time with the same people, doing non-transactional things together, without having to plan for it. Closeness often becomes a side effect of the structure.
But adult life doesn’t work like that.
For many of us, there’s no consistent time around the same people, and repeated exposure doesn’t happen without planning for it.
→ Traditional community may be minimal or nonexistent.
→ Voluntary communities require us to seek them out and show up consistently.
→ Friendships require accumulated one-on-one investment and mutual willingness from both people.
→ Voluntary communities require us to seek them out and show up consistently.
→ Friendships require accumulated one-on-one investment and mutual willingness from both people.
Compounded by the rise of remote and hybrid work, all three types of connection increasingly have to be designed, not assumed.
Confusing these different types of connections is where mismatched expectations often come from.
Not everyone in your traditional or voluntary community needs access to your inner world, and not every friendship is meant to carry communal responsibility.
That said, I’m a strong advocate for building a voluntary community around what’s often called a “third thing.”
✔️ Something shared to focus on
✔️ Something that creates experiences to reference later
✔️ Something that allows collective connection to form naturally, creating conditions where friendships can develop over time
✔️ Something that creates experiences to reference later
✔️ Something that allows collective connection to form naturally, creating conditions where friendships can develop over time
Perhaps a bold claim, but this topic is a serious health risk.
Why?
Because about 1 in 3 adults in the U.S. report feeling lonely at least some of the time, even while being constantly “connected” online; a paradox that shows how digital interaction doesn’t necessarily translate into meaningful belonging.
That figure comes from the U.S. Surgeon General’s 2023 advisory, Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation, which identified loneliness as a public health crisis. Even before COVID, roughly half of American adults reported measurable levels of loneliness. The health consequences are real: Julianne Holt-Lunstad’s meta-analyses (2010 in PLOS Medicine, 2015 in Perspectives on Psychological Science) found that people with strong social connections had significantly higher survival rates, while lacking social connection is associated with health risks comparable in magnitude to other major risk factors, including smoking.
Most of what we do online — scrolling, liking, leaving a quick comment — resembles the kind of low-investment interaction that Hall’s research shows does not reliably build closeness. It can feel like connection. But it’s missing the ingredients that actually build it.
The “Third Thing” Rule
Getting adults to connect can feel harder than it should. Just putting everyone in a room and hoping for the best doesn’t work anymore. The “Third Thing” Rule shows you a simple way to make gatherings less awkward and more meaningful. It’s short, practical, and full of ideas you can use right away. Download it free and start creating the kind of connection people come back for.
Sources:
Sources:
- Hall, J. A. (2019). How many hours does it take to make a friend? Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 36(4), 1278–1296.
- Office of the Surgeon General. (2023). Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation. U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.
- Holt-Lunstad, J., Smith, T. B., & Layton, J. B. (2010). Social relationships and mortality risk: A meta-analytic review. PLOS Medicine, 7(7), e1000316.
- Holt-Lunstad, J., Smith, T. B., Baker, M., Harris, T., & Stephenson, D. (2015). Loneliness and social isolation as risk factors for mortality. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 10(2), 227–237.